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mood

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confused

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so this is my first entry... i'm not big on journaling, but a friend suggested i try it to help me deal with some stuff.

yesterday i was gonna go to target with my mom, but we got two blocks away from my house and then i had a panic attack. it was bad, i was crying and begging her to take me home. and on the way back, she gave me some talk about how being trans has imprisoned me, how trans people usually feel liberated when they come out and get to live as their preferred gender, and it's just trapped me, made my life and everything else harder. and she said that she's going to forbid me from living as kaden, and force me to be femme because when i lived as a girl, i didn't have panic attacks like this and wasn't afraid to leave the house. in a sense, i guess she's right. i mean, i didn't have such intense panic attacks when i was femme. i didn't worry about getting attacked for being trans, and i didn't have to worry about passing. and i didn't have to wear that stupid binder that triggers my panic attacks. i used to go to the mall, the bookstore, the riverfront, and i just had a lot of fun. i can hardly go to school now. this year, i had a panic attack pretty much every afternoon and went home early a lot. i couldn't sit in the classroom for long at a time, i'd have to get up and walk around, occupy myself. i failed classes because i missed so much school. i can't leave my house, because i'm scared when i do. and this is just ridiculous. my girlfriend's coming here this summer, and i can't keep her locked in this house with me. she's gonna wanna get out and do stuff, and i wanna enjoy my summer with her. am i really gonna be able to do that if we're stuck in my house? i doubt it. and it's not fair to do that to her. but these panic attacks are real and they're bad. they aren't just gonna go away. i'm on medicine but it's not gonna solve the problem for me. so should i be femme, be a girl? it'd probably help my panic attacks and it might be easier for me to go out and do stuff with emily. but then again, i don't FEEL like a girl and i don't wanna be known as one. i don't wanna be emily's girlfriend. plus, we'll be taking pictures and i don't want her to remember our summer together with me as a chick. so while it might be easier for me, it's probably not best in the long run. so what do i do? i have no idea. i lived as a guy when i was like twelve and had no problems, didn't have panic attacks or anything. but now, after hearing so many stories of people getting found out and harassed or attacked, of people not passing and getting into some serious trouble for it. and even though i've never had any really bad experiences, i still freak out and worry about it. i mean, is it worth it to be kaden if i can only be him in the comfort of my home? i don't know what i should do, what's best for me, what's gonna be the best for me and emily this summer. and i've thought about it but neither option seems too great. :[